Journal

September 13th, 2009

2009-09-13T13:42:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I have an interview at the Service Station! Wish me luck, because I really need a job right now :)

What I really need to do is make a to-do list, because There are things I need to save up for, colleges to be applied to, and things to be researched. I have all this free time on my hands, I just need to do something with it!

Not to mention exercising.

Here I Go Again

2009-09-08T22:06:00.001-07:00

You know how you have those days that you just don't feel that motivated? It seems like all of your energy goes first thing in the morning just dragging yourself out of bed. You don't know whether or not you'll make it through the day, so you drink 5 cups of coffee, while trying to see some positivity...but for some reason everything seems gray.

I keep telling myself in times like this that I'll be just fine, and that I'm okay, and that maybe I'm simply in a bad mood. Well obviously it's the latter.

But here's the kicker.

I don't like being in bad moods!

In fact I hate it. I would rather be happy all day long, loving life, and seeing rainbow colors everywhere. So is it really choice for everyone to be depressed? I thought happiness was a choice...and I still believe that, but some days I do wonder if it really is possible just to choose happiness just like that.

Marcus Aurelius writes that a person is most fulfilled when he can be content without having to escape. That a person is truly peaceful if he can find peace, not in the country, but while living in the city. That Isolation is not healthy, because if that is how you grasp at peace, at sanity, then perhaps you are not living up to your true potential. Perhaps that is right,

and so now I will sleep on exactly that.

I will from here forth practice finding my peace in the midst of whatever and wherever I am at. And along with that, I will trust that people love me, and that things will be okay no matter what I'm going through. If I have faith in that, then so shall it be.

2009-06-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

Here I am writing again, I haven't written in a while, but I know it's good for me so here I go.
I'm in the search for greater truths.... truths that I was not trained to search for growing up. It's a scary process, but I know it's important above this world to me. Sometimes I honestly don't know where to start-- all the time actually. Reading? Yeah, that would be a good start I suppose. Really, why am I scared? I have the whole world in front of me, and all of history behind me to learn about. I have more to experience now than I ever will. Maybe now is my start that I can be excited about rather than intimidated by.

Ignorance

2009-03-23T22:52:00.001-07:00

It saddens me to no end how people tend to be so ignorant. In their ignorance, they choose also to be blind and deaf, hearing only the things they want to hear. They preach, yet constantly contradict themselves because their pride is too strong and they would not dare question the authorities that tell them who God is and what truth is. They preach Love, yet all of the actions are empty of that very word as they shove it down the throats of their very own children. Their religion rules them, and without even knowing it, they walk into darkness because it is strictly blind faith that they follow. They preach that it's God who's will be done, yet for fear of offending religious peers, they go on smiling and pretending that there is no greater truth to be followed beyond what is comfortable and acceptable in their circle. In this their ignorance is their choice, and their love means nothing to the world beyond that small circle they reside in.

You would mock a man who is truly searching for truth, simply wanting feedback so that he can keep searching while thinking, all the while calling him an idiot behind his back? Tell me this is Christian love, and I will tell you that you are a wolf in sheep's clothing. Call me bitter? You are blind.

Ignorance is bliss for you, but at least in the next life you will know exactly what decisions you have made and what you can learn from them. I now question every line that I walk, because I know that if even the most minute thing be off, then I will eventually venture into a wasteland.

Ignorance is too readily available for the world, while it is never justifiable.
What is it exactly that you will tell him when the time comes?

So I ask you what is the truth
why have I moved
from a place I thought so strong in my mind
to a place of uncertainty
Searching, but leaving some behind?
What is right
where is the light
it was only in your words
that you love was somehow apparent
but somehow, now
as I've been away
I realize that the beliefs from which I've strayed
are the only ones who's followers
are the actions of love
Delayed.
Leaders would say
that there was no right
and no reason for ignorance
yet, your ignorance is your outlet
you don't realize where you stand
and that is why
you think you have the upper hand.
your truth so far-
the numbers don't keep growing
this is why I keep going
farther away.
It is not God or Truth,
It's only yours thus far
that I question.

-Caroline Bickford

About me [longer version]

2009-03-15T17:50:00.001-07:00

My life consists of where I'm at right now, moving one foot in front of the other. People call it forward motion, and that's what I'm doing. I enjoy being with friends almost as much as I enjoy spending time alone, and I love playing my cello and learning more about music. I've been learning a lot about life in general, and how to move on from things that have happened in the past. I have a couple amazing friends, and Grant- the love of my life! Grant told me something as I was crying about how I felt lost, and how I felt confused, and really just all the self pity stuff that is so easy to give into if you're not careful. He said "if you don't know where you are going, how can you be lost?"

I was puzzled to hear that, but after thinking about it for a minute, it started to make sense. I can't get so locked up in where I want to go (or think I'll want to go a couple years down) that I'm not able to get caught up in a moment and let life and God take me where I need to go, or where I'm destined to go.

Life tends to turn us in different directions that we were never ready for in the first place, which helps us get confused about where we are, because our eyes were so focused on that end goal that we weren't able to enjoy life, or even follow God the way everyone says they are in the first place.

About me? I'm just me. I'm building my character and person, and trying not to let anyone else define me. While developing myself, I'm trying to get to know God because I know his character is around, and I really want to understand Him-- it will probably be a lifelong journey.
I'm finding the music in life, and the art in each moment, and the light up ahead. One big thing for me right now is focusing on exercising happiness in every moment that I feel the absence of it-- sometimes a more difficult task than you would think.

as you can see, I'm still young and newly out in the world for myself. I feel like I can truly understand those people who feel lost in the world, because I'm experiencing some of that for myself, but I know I'll be okay, and I know that if I stay right here and keep going, all my lessons will be learned and I won't have to feel so lost later, because I will own what I believe, and stand where I stand for me one hundred percent.

It's hard to cross the river with no bridge, but as I put one foot in front of the other on these stepping stones, I will look back and see how far I've come, and be able to breath and be somewhat proud of myself for crossing that river and making it.

Skyscraper

2009-03-15T17:45:00.000-07:00

See all the little people
running through the streets
It's hard to tell from here
What are all their problems and defeats

Then you realize how they outnumber you by millions
You see that all your hardships turn out little
When compared to all their billions

Dream, 2008

2009-03-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

I was walking along and knew no confusion
my balance was there, and I thought I'd never lose sight of my creator, the one who's will I followed
and I never would have questioned
If it wasn't for my sorrow
Things happen in this life- and in the next I'm sure, that will lead to some sadness, regret, lost hopes of tomorrow
On my walk I experience the setting of sun,
and for a minute, I wasn't sure of which direction to run
However, I did question, and the shadows grew longer
why my light was disappearing,
why I wasn't sure of tomorrow
As the night drew on, I became dreary
I began to fall asleep,
my mind and soul being weary.
I woke up on a hill, near a house that I remember
but no one was there, each breath took forever
I felt so alone, and I remember the tears
and my friend God suddenly appeared.
my tears only grew, as I asked him in my mind
why I felt lost
why I couldn't find my guide
It was then that he took me in his arms
and hugged me tight
told me to not be alarmed
he said only a few words that I'll forever
in my heart keep
"Don't follow the Book or the world Caroline...
Follow ME"