you.

you meet 

you speak, 

you show the colors you want them to see 

you fear they will find you out

you hurt and hurt and hide

but you are you 

and you were young 

your friends see you as a younger, less complicated you

try to see yourself that way. 

you are a younger less complicated you and you are still you. 

Tonight I had to force myself to stay alone in my apartment. I have a tendency to distract myself with other things when I am feeling anxious. And this anxious un-driven feeling I get has to do with my knee-jerk tendency to not focus on the thoughts I need to have. Tonight was one of those moments. Relationships tend to distract me quite a bit as well. Tonight my boyfriend was busy and couldn't come over. I'd been out with girlfriends before, but continued to check my phone to see if he had texted me. I came home and continued to feel bored, anxious, and not ready to delve into my interests, like drawing and music and my life. After talking with him briefly on the phone I hung up, got myself off my bed, washed my dishes and began to look through old photos. I came across a beautiful photo of my mom laughing. It was a picture that I shot on a sunny day when she was visiting me on the farm I had lived on when dating a previous boyfriend. She wanted me to do a photo shoot with her to use the photos for her business cards. And so we went out, carrying my fake violin for her to hold as she smiled. I kept making jokes and she kept laughing. I used this photo as a reference for a drawing I started tonight and I began to cry, sob actually.

I remember when I started drawing. I've actually drawn my whole life. There isn't a time that I remember not knowing how to draw. As long as I can remember, I have drawn or referenced something in the world that I have seen, and tried to recreate it.

I remember my mother crying all the time when I was little. At that age, I didn't remember a time that I knew her to be happy, actually. She was always crying, always depressed and overwhelmed. At the age of around 5 I remember her laying on my bed and crying in my lap.

Now she is happy. She is a radiant beautiful person that I didn't know before. The whole family has come to a much better place with our father out of the picture.

He was manipulative and mean. He was anxious all of the time, and he would not follow through with being a good provider. He didn't take action for his life and he worked himself into a downward spiral of depression and unhealthy habits. He became an alcoholic, he was abusive verbally and mentally to all of us, and ultimately he began to molest me. He hurt us all in such a deep way, that there are still pains that come to the forefront of my mind when I least expect it. Like, when I am alone.

I sat there, looking at her laugh, realizing that this was a new laugh and smile I hadn't seen before. She is so free, and I think I am slightly jealous of it. Is it her age that brings her such peace? I have had moments of pure joy like this, but I can't help but think that time will un fog my sense of who I am. I really want to be carefree, but I am quite often worried about what others are thinking of me. This mostly has to do with significant others.

I want the pain of the past to go away, and I want it to hurry up.
I also want to get this all out in art without being so goddam exposing of my life story. And I want it to feel fulfilling and more freeing every time.

Now that I've had these thoughts, I'm going to tuck them back into a safe place, go to sleep, and wake up to a new day tomorrow.

Blankly I wait for the words to come out and escape through my fingertips. I wait in a sense as if lost, my desire to speak paused. There isn't even a reflection here, I'm contented. My face staring back to me from a lifeless pool of luke warm water, and I gaze back. I pause, I wait, and nothing. There are things yet to come for sure, and I don't worry so much about it, but I'm living an adult life now. Not forgetting how to play, not forgetting my creativity and my imagination, but feeling love again for the first time. Again? For the first time.

Alone

About 6 months ago I decided to end my second ever serious relationship. We weren't terrible together, but I always had my doubts. It took me a long time to finally come to the decision to end our future plans together, and it was a very hard thing to do. I did love him. He was sweet and wholesome but something about our relationship wasn't enough. I still have my doubts about my decision, because I have doubts about myself. I feel as if I lost a battle within myself that maybe I could have won when I was still with him.
Just today my suspicions have been confirmed and he is moving on. He met a woman who he gets along with pretty well and he is going to go ahead and pursue it. To hear this hurts me. I've been told this is a natural thing but I think what it confirms for me is that I am more alone now than I have been this whole time. My decision to be single is solidified and he has nailed the door shut that I closed in the first place. It's irrational for me to be so upset, but I can't help but take all of this personally. I need to quit taking it personally. He is trying to be happy, and I should be happy for him taking these healthy steps in his life. I am also deserving of happiness and so I too, should continue to take those steps.

Take Time Alone

       I think that we are all alike, as we are all human and thrive on our relationships with other people. I feel that I am not too unique in the fact that I am constantly learning life lessons that have to do with my relationships. Not just with people around me, but with myself. In my mid 20’s I have learned that that I am happiest when I don’t care so much what others think of me. When I take the time to give myself what I need, I’m less afraid of others opinions. My main focus in this letter to you will have to do with my personal relationships and how I recently overcame some obstacles which have helped me gain more fulfillment in my life. A huge obstacle for me has been trust, and in turn, low self esteem. I believe that to help yourself with depression, loneliness, or feelings of inadequacy it’s important to pay attention to the little things you need in your daily life by allowing time by yourself which will benefit your intimate relationships. 

I need to back up just a minute and share something personal which has shaped me into the type of person that could easily neglect her own time for spending time with a new romantic partner. Some betrayal of trust in my past had left me hurt and unable to trust people (especially men). In turn this created in me a difficulty taking appropriate time away from new relationships and maintaining my individuality. I won’t be specific, but I am a survivor of abuse. This hasn’t broken me. I’ve done the work needed to be a healthy person who can have lasting and meaningful relationships with my friends and family. However, because I had been isolated and had my trust broken, I easily had the tendency to invest myself too much when I entered into new relationships. What I mean by this is that I would neglect my own needs; personal time if you will, if it meant I could spend more time with a person. At this point in my life I’ve dated only a couple people. Most of my dating relationships have turned into serious relationships. More often than not, the first few months of the “falling in love” cycle left me feeling obsessed and filled with anxiety. I broke this “spell” by realizing that I needed time alone to find clarity and build my own self esteem. This is a personal triumph, but I think there are a lot of people that can relate.

After a more recent encounter with my own trust issues I learned that I needed to stop obsessing over what my current romantic interest was doing on their own time and once again invest into my own experiences. They had interests that I was not interested in all of the time. We had our common interests, but I needed to pay attention to the interests that were important to me. An example is I enjoy running, or climbing and they would rather stay in. Maybe they just don’t have the same drive I do to get out and explore. One simple exercise really helped me get back in touch with myself and in the end, built my confidence. I started taking time to get out and run or meet up with my other friends that enjoy climbing. I stopped putting my girlfriends off and made more time for them too. This can be difficult when you want to spend every waking moment of free time with your romantic partner, but it’s healthy and vital to your mental health to take some personal time. In turn your relationship may become better as a result. 

Keeping in touch with yourself when you’re building any other relationships will only add to what you have to offer those other people. If you take the appropriate amount of time to maintain your personal interests, you can later share those experiences with your partner. Originally, I felt sort of awkward telling my new boyfriend that I couldn’t meet him every time he asked because I had plans with my girlfriends (or time at the gym, or homework). However, after feeling comfortable maintaining the things that make me me, I began inviting him along. It has enriched our relationship and broadened our horizons as to what we enjoy doing together. In turn, he has had the time to do the things he enjoys doing and later share them with me!  

We are human and we are social. An important thing to remember is that as social beings we often get caught up in our surroundings. Are your friends supporting the person you are? Is your significant other supporting your goals and dreams? These are questions I ask myself when I’m alone so that I can make sure that I’m doing what I need to be happy. I’ve often forgotten my own personal boundaries, due to my surroundings (as an example). Remembering yourself in all situations will also help with trust. No two people are always alike, and just because someone hurt you in the past doesn’t mean that this person is going to hurt you now. Letting go of trust issues has made me feel freer to allow myself to spend more time doing things that are specific to my own individuality. Alone time is simply the exercise that puts this action of letting go in forward motion.

What makes you feel happy? Are you neglecting what makes you most happy because of a new relationship (or a long time relationship)? Are you still taking the opportunities to do things for yourself? Relationships are compromise, but this doesn’t mean you have to give up everything that is you to be with this person. If you have to give yourself up, the relationship may not be worth it anyway. I would encourage you to get back in touch with yourself and make sure that you’re doing the things you enjoy while making time to hang out with him or her.  

In the end before this personal breakthrough, I started feeling extremely lonely and very sad. It took me a long time to realize this because I stopped loving myself and tried to find fulfillment from outside of me. When I let go and began taking care of myself, those negative feelings went away. In turn, my relationships became much fuller than I had expected and trust was easier than I thought to achieve. As corny as this sounds, for just a moment, be brave enough to let go and take a moment with yourself now and then. 

September 13th, 2009

Tomorrow I have an interview at the Service Station! Wish me luck, because I really need a job right now :)

What I really need to do is make a to-do list, because There are things I need to save up for, colleges to be applied to, and things to be researched. I have all this free time on my hands, I just need to do something with it!

Not to mention exercising.

Here I Go Again

You know how you have those days that you just don't feel that motivated? It seems like all of your energy goes first thing in the morning just dragging yourself out of bed. You don't know whether or not you'll make it through the day, so you drink 5 cups of coffee, while trying to see some positivity...but for some reason everything seems gray.

I keep telling myself in times like this that I'll be just fine, and that I'm okay, and that maybe I'm simply in a bad mood. Well obviously it's the latter.

But here's the kicker.

I don't like being in bad moods!

In fact I hate it. I would rather be happy all day long, loving life, and seeing rainbow colors everywhere. So is it really choice for everyone to be depressed? I thought happiness was a choice...and I still believe that, but some days I do wonder if it really is possible just to choose happiness just like that.

Marcus Aurelius writes that a person is most fulfilled when he can be content without having to escape. That a person is truly peaceful if he can find peace, not in the country, but while living in the city. That Isolation is not healthy, because if that is how you grasp at peace, at sanity, then perhaps you are not living up to your true potential. Perhaps that is right,

and so now I will sleep on exactly that.

I will from here forth practice finding my peace in the midst of whatever and wherever I am at. And along with that, I will trust that people love me, and that things will be okay no matter what I'm going through. If I have faith in that, then so shall it be.