Alone

About 6 months ago I decided to end my second ever serious relationship. We weren't terrible together, but I always had my doubts. It took me a long time to finally come to the decision to end our future plans together, and it was a very hard thing to do. I did love him. He was sweet and wholesome but something about our relationship wasn't enough. I still have my doubts about my decision, because I have doubts about myself. I feel as if I lost a battle within myself that maybe I could have won when I was still with him.
Just today my suspicions have been confirmed and he is moving on. He met a woman who he gets along with pretty well and he is going to go ahead and pursue it. To hear this hurts me. I've been told this is a natural thing but I think what it confirms for me is that I am more alone now than I have been this whole time. My decision to be single is solidified and he has nailed the door shut that I closed in the first place. It's irrational for me to be so upset, but I can't help but take all of this personally. I need to quit taking it personally. He is trying to be happy, and I should be happy for him taking these healthy steps in his life. I am also deserving of happiness and so I too, should continue to take those steps.

Take Time Alone

       I think that we are all alike, as we are all human and thrive on our relationships with other people. I feel that I am not too unique in the fact that I am constantly learning life lessons that have to do with my relationships. Not just with people around me, but with myself. In my mid 20’s I have learned that that I am happiest when I don’t care so much what others think of me. When I take the time to give myself what I need, I’m less afraid of others opinions. My main focus in this letter to you will have to do with my personal relationships and how I recently overcame some obstacles which have helped me gain more fulfillment in my life. A huge obstacle for me has been trust, and in turn, low self esteem. I believe that to help yourself with depression, loneliness, or feelings of inadequacy it’s important to pay attention to the little things you need in your daily life by allowing time by yourself which will benefit your intimate relationships. 

I need to back up just a minute and share something personal which has shaped me into the type of person that could easily neglect her own time for spending time with a new romantic partner. Some betrayal of trust in my past had left me hurt and unable to trust people (especially men). In turn this created in me a difficulty taking appropriate time away from new relationships and maintaining my individuality. I won’t be specific, but I am a survivor of abuse. This hasn’t broken me. I’ve done the work needed to be a healthy person who can have lasting and meaningful relationships with my friends and family. However, because I had been isolated and had my trust broken, I easily had the tendency to invest myself too much when I entered into new relationships. What I mean by this is that I would neglect my own needs; personal time if you will, if it meant I could spend more time with a person. At this point in my life I’ve dated only a couple people. Most of my dating relationships have turned into serious relationships. More often than not, the first few months of the “falling in love” cycle left me feeling obsessed and filled with anxiety. I broke this “spell” by realizing that I needed time alone to find clarity and build my own self esteem. This is a personal triumph, but I think there are a lot of people that can relate.

After a more recent encounter with my own trust issues I learned that I needed to stop obsessing over what my current romantic interest was doing on their own time and once again invest into my own experiences. They had interests that I was not interested in all of the time. We had our common interests, but I needed to pay attention to the interests that were important to me. An example is I enjoy running, or climbing and they would rather stay in. Maybe they just don’t have the same drive I do to get out and explore. One simple exercise really helped me get back in touch with myself and in the end, built my confidence. I started taking time to get out and run or meet up with my other friends that enjoy climbing. I stopped putting my girlfriends off and made more time for them too. This can be difficult when you want to spend every waking moment of free time with your romantic partner, but it’s healthy and vital to your mental health to take some personal time. In turn your relationship may become better as a result. 

Keeping in touch with yourself when you’re building any other relationships will only add to what you have to offer those other people. If you take the appropriate amount of time to maintain your personal interests, you can later share those experiences with your partner. Originally, I felt sort of awkward telling my new boyfriend that I couldn’t meet him every time he asked because I had plans with my girlfriends (or time at the gym, or homework). However, after feeling comfortable maintaining the things that make me me, I began inviting him along. It has enriched our relationship and broadened our horizons as to what we enjoy doing together. In turn, he has had the time to do the things he enjoys doing and later share them with me!  

We are human and we are social. An important thing to remember is that as social beings we often get caught up in our surroundings. Are your friends supporting the person you are? Is your significant other supporting your goals and dreams? These are questions I ask myself when I’m alone so that I can make sure that I’m doing what I need to be happy. I’ve often forgotten my own personal boundaries, due to my surroundings (as an example). Remembering yourself in all situations will also help with trust. No two people are always alike, and just because someone hurt you in the past doesn’t mean that this person is going to hurt you now. Letting go of trust issues has made me feel freer to allow myself to spend more time doing things that are specific to my own individuality. Alone time is simply the exercise that puts this action of letting go in forward motion.

What makes you feel happy? Are you neglecting what makes you most happy because of a new relationship (or a long time relationship)? Are you still taking the opportunities to do things for yourself? Relationships are compromise, but this doesn’t mean you have to give up everything that is you to be with this person. If you have to give yourself up, the relationship may not be worth it anyway. I would encourage you to get back in touch with yourself and make sure that you’re doing the things you enjoy while making time to hang out with him or her.  

In the end before this personal breakthrough, I started feeling extremely lonely and very sad. It took me a long time to realize this because I stopped loving myself and tried to find fulfillment from outside of me. When I let go and began taking care of myself, those negative feelings went away. In turn, my relationships became much fuller than I had expected and trust was easier than I thought to achieve. As corny as this sounds, for just a moment, be brave enough to let go and take a moment with yourself now and then. 

September 13th, 2009

Tomorrow I have an interview at the Service Station! Wish me luck, because I really need a job right now :)

What I really need to do is make a to-do list, because There are things I need to save up for, colleges to be applied to, and things to be researched. I have all this free time on my hands, I just need to do something with it!

Not to mention exercising.

Here I Go Again

You know how you have those days that you just don't feel that motivated? It seems like all of your energy goes first thing in the morning just dragging yourself out of bed. You don't know whether or not you'll make it through the day, so you drink 5 cups of coffee, while trying to see some positivity...but for some reason everything seems gray.

I keep telling myself in times like this that I'll be just fine, and that I'm okay, and that maybe I'm simply in a bad mood. Well obviously it's the latter.

But here's the kicker.

I don't like being in bad moods!

In fact I hate it. I would rather be happy all day long, loving life, and seeing rainbow colors everywhere. So is it really choice for everyone to be depressed? I thought happiness was a choice...and I still believe that, but some days I do wonder if it really is possible just to choose happiness just like that.

Marcus Aurelius writes that a person is most fulfilled when he can be content without having to escape. That a person is truly peaceful if he can find peace, not in the country, but while living in the city. That Isolation is not healthy, because if that is how you grasp at peace, at sanity, then perhaps you are not living up to your true potential. Perhaps that is right,

and so now I will sleep on exactly that.

I will from here forth practice finding my peace in the midst of whatever and wherever I am at. And along with that, I will trust that people love me, and that things will be okay no matter what I'm going through. If I have faith in that, then so shall it be.

Here I am writing again, I haven't written in a while, but I know it's good for me so here I go.
I'm in the search for greater truths.... truths that I was not trained to search for growing up. It's a scary process, but I know it's important above this world to me. Sometimes I honestly don't know where to start-- all the time actually. Reading? Yeah, that would be a good start I suppose. Really, why am I scared? I have the whole world in front of me, and all of history behind me to learn about. I have more to experience now than I ever will. Maybe now is my start that I can be excited about rather than intimidated by.

Ignorance

It saddens me to no end how people tend to be so ignorant. In their ignorance, they choose also to be blind and deaf, hearing only the things they want to hear. They preach, yet constantly contradict themselves because their pride is too strong and they would not dare question the authorities that tell them who God is and what truth is. They preach Love, yet all of the actions are empty of that very word as they shove it down the throats of their very own children. Their religion rules them, and without even knowing it, they walk into darkness because it is strictly blind faith that they follow. They preach that it's God who's will be done, yet for fear of offending religious peers, they go on smiling and pretending that there is no greater truth to be followed beyond what is comfortable and acceptable in their circle. In this their ignorance is their choice, and their love means nothing to the world beyond that small circle they reside in.

You would mock a man who is truly searching for truth, simply wanting feedback so that he can keep searching while thinking, all the while calling him an idiot behind his back? Tell me this is Christian love, and I will tell you that you are a wolf in sheep's clothing. Call me bitter? You are blind.

Ignorance is bliss for you, but at least in the next life you will know exactly what decisions you have made and what you can learn from them. I now question every line that I walk, because I know that if even the most minute thing be off, then I will eventually venture into a wasteland.

Ignorance is too readily available for the world, while it is never justifiable.
What is it exactly that you will tell him when the time comes?

So I ask you what is the truth
why have I moved
from a place I thought so strong in my mind
to a place of uncertainty
Searching, but leaving some behind?
What is right
where is the light
it was only in your words
that you love was somehow apparent
but somehow, now
as I've been away
I realize that the beliefs from which I've strayed
are the only ones who's followers
are the actions of love
Delayed.
Leaders would say
that there was no right
and no reason for ignorance
yet, your ignorance is your outlet
you don't realize where you stand
and that is why
you think you have the upper hand.
your truth so far-
the numbers don't keep growing
this is why I keep going
farther away.
It is not God or Truth,
It's only yours thus far
that I question.

About me [longer version]

My life consists of where I'm at right now, moving one foot in front of the other. People call it forward motion, and that's what I'm doing. I enjoy being with friends almost as much as I enjoy spending time alone, and I love playing my cello and learning more about music. I've been learning a lot about life in general, and how to move on from things that have happened in the past. I have a couple amazing friends, and Grant- the love of my life! Grant told me something as I was crying about how I felt lost, and how I felt confused, and really just all the self pity stuff that is so easy to give into if you're not careful. He said "if you don't know where you are going, how can you be lost?"

I was puzzled to hear that, but after thinking about it for a minute, it started to make sense. I can't get so locked up in where I want to go (or think I'll want to go a couple years down) that I'm not able to get caught up in a moment and let life and God take me where I need to go, or where I'm destined to go.

Life tends to turn us in different directions that we were never ready for in the first place, which helps us get confused about where we are, because our eyes were so focused on that end goal that we weren't able to enjoy life, or even follow God the way everyone says they are in the first place.

About me? I'm just me. I'm building my character and person, and trying not to let anyone else define me. While developing myself, I'm trying to get to know God because I know his character is around, and I really want to understand Him-- it will probably be a lifelong journey.
I'm finding the music in life, and the art in each moment, and the light up ahead. One big thing for me right now is focusing on exercising happiness in every moment that I feel the absence of it-- sometimes a more difficult task than you would think.

as you can see, I'm still young and newly out in the world for myself. I feel like I can truly understand those people who feel lost in the world, because I'm experiencing some of that for myself, but I know I'll be okay, and I know that if I stay right here and keep going, all my lessons will be learned and I won't have to feel so lost later, because I will own what I believe, and stand where I stand for me one hundred percent.

It's hard to cross the river with no bridge, but as I put one foot in front of the other on these stepping stones, I will look back and see how far I've come, and be able to breath and be somewhat proud of myself for crossing that river and making it.