I think that we are all alike, as we are all human and thrive on our relationships with other people. I feel that I am not too unique in the fact that I am constantly learning life lessons that have to do with my relationships. Not just with people around me, but with myself. In my mid 20’s I have learned that that I am happiest when I don’t care so much what others think of me. When I take the time to give myself what I need, I’m less afraid of others opinions. My main focus in this letter to you will have to do with my personal relationships and how I recently overcame some obstacles which have helped me gain more fulfillment in my life. A huge obstacle for me has been trust, and in turn, low self esteem. I believe that to help yourself with depression, loneliness, or feelings of inadequacy it’s important to pay attention to the little things you need in your daily life by allowing time by yourself which will benefit your intimate relationships.
I need to back up just a minute and share something personal which has shaped me into the type of person that could easily neglect her own time for spending time with a new romantic partner. Some betrayal of trust in my past had left me hurt and unable to trust people (especially men). In turn this created in me a difficulty taking appropriate time away from new relationships and maintaining my individuality. I won’t be specific, but I am a survivor of abuse. This hasn’t broken me. I’ve done the work needed to be a healthy person who can have lasting and meaningful relationships with my friends and family. However, because I had been isolated and had my trust broken, I easily had the tendency to invest myself too much when I entered into new relationships. What I mean by this is that I would neglect my own needs; personal time if you will, if it meant I could spend more time with a person. At this point in my life I’ve dated only a couple people. Most of my dating relationships have turned into serious relationships. More often than not, the first few months of the “falling in love” cycle left me feeling obsessed and filled with anxiety. I broke this “spell” by realizing that I needed time alone to find clarity and build my own self esteem. This is a personal triumph, but I think there are a lot of people that can relate.
After a more recent encounter with my own trust issues I learned that I needed to stop obsessing over what my current romantic interest was doing on their own time and once again invest into my own experiences. They had interests that I was not interested in all of the time. We had our common interests, but I needed to pay attention to the interests that were important to me. An example is I enjoy running, or climbing and they would rather stay in. Maybe they just don’t have the same drive I do to get out and explore. One simple exercise really helped me get back in touch with myself and in the end, built my confidence. I started taking time to get out and run or meet up with my other friends that enjoy climbing. I stopped putting my girlfriends off and made more time for them too. This can be difficult when you want to spend every waking moment of free time with your romantic partner, but it’s healthy and vital to your mental health to take some personal time. In turn your relationship may become better as a result.
Keeping in touch with yourself when you’re building any other relationships will only add to what you have to offer those other people. If you take the appropriate amount of time to maintain your personal interests, you can later share those experiences with your partner. Originally, I felt sort of awkward telling my new boyfriend that I couldn’t meet him every time he asked because I had plans with my girlfriends (or time at the gym, or homework). However, after feeling comfortable maintaining the things that make me me, I began inviting him along. It has enriched our relationship and broadened our horizons as to what we enjoy doing together. In turn, he has had the time to do the things he enjoys doing and later share them with me!
We are human and we are social. An important thing to remember is that as social beings we often get caught up in our surroundings. Are your friends supporting the person you are? Is your significant other supporting your goals and dreams? These are questions I ask myself when I’m alone so that I can make sure that I’m doing what I need to be happy. I’ve often forgotten my own personal boundaries, due to my surroundings (as an example). Remembering yourself in all situations will also help with trust. No two people are always alike, and just because someone hurt you in the past doesn’t mean that this person is going to hurt you now. Letting go of trust issues has made me feel freer to allow myself to spend more time doing things that are specific to my own individuality. Alone time is simply the exercise that puts this action of letting go in forward motion.
What makes you feel happy? Are you neglecting what makes you most happy because of a new relationship (or a long time relationship)? Are you still taking the opportunities to do things for yourself? Relationships are compromise, but this doesn’t mean you have to give up everything that is you to be with this person. If you have to give yourself up, the relationship may not be worth it anyway. I would encourage you to get back in touch with yourself and make sure that you’re doing the things you enjoy while making time to hang out with him or her.
In the end before this personal breakthrough, I started feeling extremely lonely and very sad. It took me a long time to realize this because I stopped loving myself and tried to find fulfillment from outside of me. When I let go and began taking care of myself, those negative feelings went away. In turn, my relationships became much fuller than I had expected and trust was easier than I thought to achieve. As corny as this sounds, for just a moment, be brave enough to let go and take a moment with yourself now and then.
